hyde
i'm really sick of not being able to focus because i'm too distracted by other things. but you cannot just remove certain things from your head.
i need to focus. but all the doubts just keep coming back. all the questions of "is it worth it?" are just constantly flooding my head.
i think my greatest challenge in this period, is not the exam papers, it's myself. i feel so jekyll and hyde at times. i feel the constant need to suppress my hyde and pretend that i am that respectable figure when i'm not. since i promised i'd leave my philosophical nonsense out of this blog, i will not go on about the duality of man and whatnot.
focus isaac focus. you're only on page 21 of differentiation. you still have vectors, matrices, integration, p&c, and probability to go. the last two are my lifelines in the math exam. but i seemed to have forgotten everything alr. i'm such a genius. i shall finish studying math by dinner.
i feel like going for a run soon. but no one runs with me, cos everyone else... just doesn't?
what if i wanted to give up now? after the wait, is it worth it? it's just rlly tiring and draining. and it's just hurting so much. and i don't know how on earth i managed to hold on this long. yes, ppl'll say that since you've come this far, why give up now? but it's the opportunity cost. i'm tired of being noble. i'm tired of trying to create that land of far far away in your fairytale. i'm tired of always trying to be there when you need me, even at 4am which i would never in my life dream i would do for anyone else. i'm tired of how you only talk to me if you have the time.
maybe i feel it's unjustified, and i'm giving too much. but this doesn't change the fact that i love you. (and if you idiots are going ooh and ahh, please stop thinking stupid) i do the things i do because i love and care abt you. rlly. but sometimes it's just so hard to hold on. i rlly don't know how i survived thus far.
i don't know. God, what do you want? was this what you meant be letting go? i wanna talk abt it, yet i don't. i don't care. after the exams i resolve to lead a carefree life without any distractions...
but till then, math and history stand in my way.
1:42 PM
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